7 weeks +6 days Pregnant
5 months after loss
I tossed and turned most of last night while chaotic dreams filled my head; dreams of miscarriage, an empty womb, of Nieve. In one dream my teeth fell out and then I was naked in public- I think my counsellor would have a field day with those ones. I think it comes from a feeling of being exposed; a worry of failing in-public again.
I was relatively calm when we left for the scan. However, I found myself questioning Matt, “What if there’s no baby there? What if the baby is deformed? What if baby is behind on dates?” He answered as he always does; calmly and rationally “If those things happen we’ll deal with them.” I love this answer. It isn’t filled with false reassurances and promises. He is honest but he reminds me that we will deal with whatever comes our way. He also reminds me to stay in the now, to stop racing ahead in my own personal flow-chart of ‘what ifs’.
It helped that we were in a different hospital. What didn’t help was that it was at an Early Pregnancy Unit and they tend to be filled with people encountering early pregnancy complications. The first lady emerged in tears and the second seemed to be in there forever. It didn’t do much for my nerves but in some ways it felt a much more realistic experience. I’d had an private early scan with Nieve where the staff had the Aladdin’s ‘A Whole New World’ on repeat – an experience which felt a million miles from today.
When we arrived I was called to fill out a form with one of the midwives and I heard myself telling ‘our story’; the same story I’m sure I will have to repeat over and over again throughout this pregnancy. It was a weird feeling filling out that form. I had a tick in miscarriage and a tick in stillbirth and a cross in living children. I felt like I was getting an F- in pregnancy. Having said that, since I had no current complications in this pregnancy, I was assigned to the less experienced songographer and instantly felt like I’d been promoted to an F+.
Returning to the scan room was very difficult, lying on the bed and watching the sonographer analyse the screen as I waited for her to speak was agony. These days I seem to have a whole host of new worries and concerns which weren’t even on my worry-radar before now. The issue is I now know far too much about what can go wrong in pregnancy. The songographer commented that my bladder wasn’t very full but for some reason I translated this into a worry that maybe there wasn’t enough amniotic fluid around the baby. She also showed me some dark spots on my womb which she said were small bleeds from when the baby implanted and very common. Again, I felt suspicious- what else could this be? I may need a physical restraint to stop a Dr-Google-diagnosis this week!
The songographer was very good even and offered me a further scan at ten weeks, which should’ve been reassuring but again, I found myself feeling suspicious. Was there something wrong that they weren’t saying? Is that why I should come back in two weeks? Once again it was Matthew and his level-headed rationale which kept me sane.
But there it was. Our magic bean. Our hope… And hope is such a beautiful thing.