Anticipation

15 weeks + 6 days pregnant

Today’s the day I return to work and I’m so nervous. My friends have told me that my bump is too big to hide so any control I had about concealing this pregnancy may be out of my hands. Today’s also the day Matt returns to work, meaning we are separated during the weekdays until the end of June. 

I feel like a different person today. I feel childlike, vulnerable. I feel like I want to be wrapped up in cotton wool and protected. But today I have to be an adult. It’s the first time in seven months and I wonder if I remember how. Or maybe the loss has left me incapable.

My biggest fear is that I won’t cope with it all. That I’ll crumble at work in an environment where I’m supposed to be a teacher- strong and in control. That the pressure will be too much and I’ll let everybody down. That saying I’ll return to work is professing to be ‘cured’ when I’m not, did I lie to them? 

I suspect that like many other things, the thoughts I’ve had about today will be far worse than the reality. Sometimes I think it’s best not to think and just to ‘do’. To leap and not look. Here goes…

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