17 weeks + 1 day pregnant
I attended my Neice’s third birthday party this weekend; a lovely family event with a mix of children and adults. The children played merrily together in the garden while the adults watched on, overseeing the fun. Every now and again a comment would be thrown my way, “Your turn soon” … “You have all this to look forward to”… They were comments laced in an underlying certainty that there would be a baby at the end of this pregnancy- a certainty that although is refreshing to hear, I haven’t allowed myself to have.
I almost wanted to follow the comments up with a “Hopefully” or a “Probably” but I didn’t for fear of sounding morbid. What stops me from thinking positively? A part of me is so terrified of failing again that I almost want to encourage others to lowers their expectations of me. Realistically I’d probably be horrified if they altered those comments to “it’ll hopefully be your turn soon”…or, “You probably have all this to look forward to”
I feel jealous of women who get to enjoy the magic of a beautiful, innocent pregnancy experience. In my online pregnancy group, the discussions have turned to baby products and baby routines; they are anticipating the stage after birth while I’m still trying to catch my breath and cope with today.
Pregnancy should be a really special time but a part of me feels resentful that the beauty of the experience is still experienced by others when it was robbed from me so brutally. And of course I want and need to believe that most pregnancies will have a successful outcome, but it’s that unquestioning self assurance that makes me envious. The undoubting, while I doubt everything. The unquestioning, while I question everything.
By this stage in my last pregnancy I had begun to buy baby clothes, to prepare lists of what we needed, to read books about birth and childcare, to consider courses I wanted to attend. This time my attention is firmly rooted in today. To get through today with my pregnancy and my sanity still ‘intact’.
My friend recently sent me information about a baby event coming up in one of the local supermarket chains. I thanked her for the information but never felt compelled to pay a visit. The thought of what lies ahead in the coming weeks and months feels totally overwhelming and I haven’t allowed myself to envisage anything in the future. Matthew and I have discussed setting up the nursery but there are so many jobs to do before the space will be ready to start that it grants me time to procrastinate a little longer.
Staying ‘present’ is what’s helping me to remain calm and focused but sooner or later I will have to start preparing for ‘the next stage’, to step out of today and start thinking of tomorrow. I only hope that when I do, I can do it with some optimism, a teeny tiny bit of that self assurance that seems to comes so easily to those who aren’t scarred by loss.