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17 weeks + 3 days pregnant 

I have been feeling incredibly anxious since the whole episode yesterday and I just can’t seem to shake off my apprehensions. I’ve been using breathing exercises to try to keep me calm and called the Tommy’s helpline this morning for reassurance from the midwives which was really helpful. It feels like I’ve been shaken up so intensely that resuming a sense of  calm is now a long and slow process. Like a house of cards that’s been blown over by a gust of wind, it takes time to rebuild the structure, especially now with shaking hands. 

My baby is ok. My baby is ok. My baby is ok. I’ve been told this by the medical professionals, I’ve seen him with my own eyes, heard his heart beating with my own ears and I’ve watched him move on the ultrasound monitor. Then why do I still doubt it? Is my baby really ok? Will he be ok tomorrow? or next week? I’m scared.  

The ultrasound scans give me some reassurance but after a week the doubts start to creep back in. I was tempted to get my old doppler out, but after what happened yesterday I’ve vowed never to touch them again. If the midwife struggled to find a heartbeat then I don’t even want to try.

I think my friends struggle to comprehend my apprehension. My baby was fine so why am I still so worried? I think to truely understand how difficult the walk of pregnancy after loss is, you need to have worn the shoes of loss yourself. Though I don’t wish these shoes on anyone. 

Matthew though, has been brilliant. He reminds me “It’s not just you on your own in this.” And that brings me comfort. We’re in it together.

I met my new midwife this morning and I’m so relieved and thankful that she is approachable and supportive. She took the time to talk to me about my loss and to reassure me about the help and support that is available to me in this pregnancy. I felt a little of my apprehension dissolve after meeting her.

My anxiety has reached new levels over the past two days and I felt like I was beginning to suffocate under the weight of it all. The fright I had yesterday rocked every ounce of positivity that I was holding on to and it’s been a slow process to try to restore it, to feel reassured that everything is ok. I’m exhausted by it all, and I’m exhausted by the thought of another 22 weeks of pregnancy stretching out in front of me.

Will we make it? I hope so. Will there be more trauma to endure? Almost certainly. Can I manage? With the support of Matthew and my Midwife and the countless other people who stand by my side, I’d like to hope so. 

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