17 weeks + 5 days pregnant
I’ve realised that I’m spending far too much of my free time absorbed in my obsessions about this pregnancy, and that consuming my whole world with it is contributing to my anxiety and depression. I tend to open my eyes in the morning in a blissful haze and immediately switch my attention to the pregnancy. I reach for my phone and scour through the Internet on the pregnancy forums, my pregnancy facebook group and the pregnancy after loss groups I’m part of. I chat to other women who are pregnant again following a loss and I write this blog. It’s no wonder then, by an hour after opening my eyes, that I start to feel anxiety and depression creeping back in. I spend a lot of time searching the Internet for answers to my latest list of concerns. I’m trying to control the uncontrollable and I need to learn to fill my time with ‘other things’. I need to learn to let go, just a little.
My depression isn’t something I’ve acknowledged to myself until now. It feels like an unexpected and unwanted facet of this whole journey. I’m pregnant with hope for the future but I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s a very different future than the one I envisaged less than a year ago and I fear it may always be tarnished by that. I’m still grieving for the daughter I lost and living in the shadow of the idea that this baby might not come home either. I hate myself for even writing that, but the threat feels very real.
I lack motivation for ‘life’ sometimes, choosing to consume my time with pregnancy related endeavours. It’s my way of attempting to ‘arm’ myself against future upheavals but the reality is that it obsessing about this pregnancy does nothing to prepare me for any future difficulties.
This morning a lady on my Facebook group posted a warning about the nature of the twenty week scan and how it can uncover abnormalities in the baby. She thought it best to ‘prepare’ us as she had experienced such issues in her last pregnancy. I don’t feel ‘prepared’ by her words, I feel terrified by them. I would argue that be forewarned is not always to be forearmed. To be forewarned is just fuel for anxiety which may be needless. I honestly cannot see how such a warning could help anyone, because none of us have a crystal ball. Should we be anxious ‘just in case’? Would it make such a revelation easier to handle? I would say no.
So my vow this week is to fill at least some of my spare time with ‘other things’. To find pursuits which occupy the part of my brain which likes to journey into the ‘what ifs’. It might be tough to break these old habits but I need to give my brain a break from living in fear. I need to let my body take care of the pregnancy while my mind takes care of the rest of life.