37 weeks pregnant
1 day until Sprocket
8 days until Nieve’s anniversary
So after an anxious weekend where Sprocket’s movement patterns altered, two lots of CTG monitoring, two scans, many sleepless nights and lots of tears and fits of anxiety, my c section has now been brought forward to Wednesday. I feel both relieved and terrified.
I’ll be 37+1 when he is delivered. I was originally offered the opportunity to deliver at 37 weeks but was uncomfortable with the Slightly elevated risk for respiration issues. As it happens I’m being given steroid injections to boost Sprocket’s respiratory system and therefore the risks should be no greater than they would’ve been at 38 weeks.
I feel like a weight is being lifted. I feel lighter than I have in months. Excited even. I’m also acutely aware of how shattered I am. Of how much this whole experience has taken its toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally.
The c section itself terrifies me but I’m trying to leave that worry for Wednesday’s Claire. The less I stew over it or start to Google horror stories the better. I’ve learned that often the anticipation of these things is far worse than the event, and even if it isn’t, a period of procrastinating over the ‘what ifs’ is totally unproductive.
One other blessing of moving the c section date is the separation it now gives me between Nieve and Sprocket’s birthdays. There will now be one week separating them and this feels right; separate periods of time to honour each baby.
I’ll also be at home on Nieve’s anniversary which feels really comforting. I didn’t feel that a busy maternity ward was a place I could properly acknowledge Nieve and now I’ll hopefully have the opportunity to more adequately mark the day. Time to give my daughter the attention and dedication she deserves.
I barely slept last night. A million thoughts going round in my head. There’s a lot to digest. After tomorrow everything changes and life will never be the same again. The whole concept of his birth is so difficult to comprehend- the shift from ‘pregnancy’ to ‘baby’. Do all mothers feel this way? or has a part of me never allowed myself to fully commit to the idea of him as a baby?
What will he look like? Will he look ‘familiar’? Will he look like Nieve? And if he does how will that make me feel? Will he be normal? Will he encounter any early medical problems? Will I feel happy when he arrives? Relieved? Detached? Will I be able to love him instantly? Will the new responsibility terrify me? Will I feel guilty for all he gets to experience that Nieve didn’t? Will I cope? Will I be a nervous wreck? I remind myself that so many of the questions and fears that I have will belong to mothers everywhere, and not just those affected by loss.
I vow to be patient with myself, to go easy on my expectations of myself, to accept that this isn’t necessarily ‘happily ever after’ and that there will undoubtably be a flurry of emotions that follow, lessons to learn, more worries to battle. I vow to do my best for Sprocket, to never be too proud to ask for help and support, to admit my failings and to ride the emotional tides of motherhood as I have done through my pregnancy.
Tomorrow pregnancy becomes a baby, though I became a mother a long time ago.